Removing The Mask

Word Count: 1508

Advisory Warning: Adult language, mention of suicidal ideation

Welcome back! In my first post (which you can read here) I briefly talked about the difficulties I have faced with work. For years, I didn’t quite understand why I couldn’t cope. Why everybody around me managed to get by, yet I ended up exhausted after just one day of work. Now that I’m aware of my autism, I understand why I struggled all those years.

According to the National Autistic Society, only 16% of autistic adults are in full-time employment. Whilst this figure is staggering, it’s not entirely surprising. The working world (and by extension, the world in general) simply wasn’t built with neurodiversity in mind. Once you’ve finished school, college, or university, the world expects you to go out there and get a job. You’re expected to go to work for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week until you hit retirement age. This is tiring for anybody, never mind those who are also living with a disability.

In my case, I only recently found out I was autistic. I didn’t know, therefore my employers didn’t know, and as such, no reasonable adjustments were made for me. Throughout my 20s, I was just working myself into the ground without realising.

Don’t get me wrong, I tried. I tried a number of different job roles, in a number of different environments, yet I always ended up in the same position. For a while, I blamed the jobs. I thought “I hate this job, it’s shit”, and moved onto the next. But ultimately, after a few years, I realised that it perhaps wasn’t the job itself that was the problem – it was me. Now that I understand why I have been stuck in this cycle, I can break it down and, hopefully (!), avoid it in the future.

Above is a little diagram of the aforementioned cycle, pretty colours included. And yes, alright, before you jump to my defence – the title in the middle is a joke! I don’t think I’m a failure, alright? I PROMISE. What harm is there in making the odd joke at one’s own expense? So, let me walk you through each stage of the cycle, starting at the top:

Get new job

I appreciate this one doesn’t need much explaining. This could relate to my first job, my third, my fifth. Within 8 years, I have worked at 7 different companies. I’ve worked in an office, in retail, e-commerce, hospitality, sales, all sorts. Nothing worked. I managed to make the job in an office last for almost 3 years, however I was lucky that I had a manager who was quite laid back, and who I could be open and honest with. I did take 2 months off during that time, as my mental health was suffering. Ultimately, I even had to leave that job in the end.

Excel at new job

Now I’ll be honest here, I didn’t excel at every job I had – that would just be silly. In general, though, I usually picked up the role pretty quickly, and seemed to go above and beyond without even realising it. This isn’t me blowing my own trumpet, it’s just the way it was. While no two autistic people are the same, and each of us have our own individual set of quirks and attributes, typically people with autism tend to pick things up quickly, are very organised and are particular about their work. I, personally, am a bit of a perfectionist. I like things to be just right. If it’s not, well… it will be once I’ve sorted it. So, naturally, when working, I tended to do things to a high standard pretty consistently.

I am, however, completely ignoring the sales job I had in this statement. A job that requires long, in depth conversations with strangers, where I have to persuade them to buy a certain product that I don’t even believe in? Why in the bloody hell did I think I’d be any good at that? In all honestly, I just wanted the conversation to end as quickly as possible. I did develop a script in my head that I meticulously went through with each customer – sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. But it was extremely draining, and I genuinely only made that job last 18 months because 6 months of it was spent in lockdown. Speaking of draining, that segways us nicely into the next point.

Burnout

Oh, boy, the burnout. How does one even begin to explain their experience with autistic burnout? Below is a quote that I pinched from the National Autistic Society that I think sums it up nicely (everybody say, “Thank you National Autistic Society!”)

“Autistic burnout is a state of physical and mental fatigue, heightened stress, and diminished capacity to manage life skills, sensory input, and/or social interactions, which comes from years of being severely overtaxed by the strain of trying to live up to demands that are out of sync with our needs.”

Remember earlier when I mentioned that the working world wasn’t simply wasn’t built with neurodiversity in mind? Well, that is why I have ended up burning out so often. I wouldn’t say that I experienced total burnout with every job, but every job certainly drained me in a way I didn’t quite understand at the time. There were times when I’d come home from a day at work in tears, unable to breathe, but not being able to pinpoint to my partner why I was so upset. Other times, I simply could not get out of bed, and had to call in sick. A bit of guilt crept in on those days. I didn’t have a stomach bug, or a cold – I was simply too tired to move. Why couldn’t I just get out of bed and go to work? Naturally, I built up quite a sick record in each job, and for years I lied about why I couldn’t go in.

This year, however, I experienced what I would describe as total burnout. After years of masking, years of starting jobs and changing jobs and working myself to the bone and not looking after my mental health, I broke totally and completely. Between the years of 2020 and 2022, not only was I working almost full time, I was also studying a degree part time. Since I spent every waking moment totally exhausted, I had to drop the degree, and thus began the spiral. I was a mess. I spent most of my spare time in bed, I couldn’t keep up with housework, I had no interest in, well, ANYTHING. My mental health was in the toilet, and I was plagued with suicidal thoughts. They were loud, and there came a point where I believed I may actually take my own life.

This burnout is something I am still recovering from, and certain personal issues have certainly slowed down my progress, but I am getting there.

Leave job

Since I started so many new jobs, I also left all of those jobs too! Weird that, isn’t it? Before knowing what the real issues were, I would tell myself the job is awful, and I’d find something else and be on my way. Following the total burnout, I left my last job without anything else lined up. After dragging myself out of the darkness, I decided enough was enough, and I took some time out. Now would be a good time to mention that I consider myself very lucky indeed to even be able to do such a thing. The fact that I was in a position where I could simply walk out of a job without another to go to is not something many people can relate to, and I am very grateful to be able to put myself first.

Right now, I don’t know where I’m going to go next. Savings will dry up, and I will need to return to some sort of employment before that happens. For the moment, I need to take the time to figure out what exactly I can do without ending up in the exact same position I was in so many times. Remote working is possibly my best option – being able to control my environment would help massively. Self-employment is another option, though figuring out exactly what I would do is tricky.

For now, though, I’m trying to take one day at a time. There are bad days, and there are not so bad days. I’m being patient with myself, and not beating myself up if I don’t do much on certain days. I’ve accepted what has happened, and that I need to approach work differently to the majority of people around me. I do intend on writing about any future experiences I have in the working world, and even my search for a job that is appropriate for my needs. We’ll see where I end up, I suppose.